Cells Divided

I started this post at the beginning of the month, and then the days just passed over like thick, daily clouds before I came back here to catch up. Seems it's still relevant, still appropriate.  Even more so when I count the days between last posting.

I barely write anymore.  I barely think either.  It's just that it's not that kind of life right now.  For now, it's in the active details, it's in the moment, it's in the gray space where there is no time for reflection and insight.  Instead it's all about care-taking.  It's nursing.  It's dressing, diapering, washing, cleaning, guiding, peacemaking, gathering, driving, pushing, holding, picking up, chopping, simmering, serving.  Oh and a bit of yelling, stewing, glaring and festering.  And when all that is done, it is time for rest, or at least something like that.  My brain needs to be massaged and my heart needs company and community, but god help me if that takes one more bit of doing.  One more ounce of effort that I just can't find very often. 

I go out to escape, to force a breath, take in the fresh air with no children clinging to my arms, following me.  And yet, I find nothing out there, I feel like I'm just wasting time until I get back, only to have make-ups to do.  Back to the house, just in time to catch up on the laundry, the organizing, the care-taking and taking care.  It's as if the outside has lost it's color.

I'm not sure how to write this without it sounding as if it's a burden, or that it's "bad."  It seems our culture is so quick to make it black and white.  That if it's not glorious, it's somehow crap.  That if life can't alternate between different states of being, different moments of identity.  Isn't that what we are all doing, complaining without meaning to complain, just voicing the drudge to see past it, just sharing the moments when our eyes tear up or our arms feel heavy, just to know that it is true, it is now?

My oldest boy, Jbird, is transforming every moment I see him.  Children transform before your eyes.  I will say it a million times.  It's really not a cliche.  Most days you are so sleepy and so frustrated and so busing care-taking that you just can't see it.  But if you stop and observe, you can actually see the growth inch along, their small beings spread wider and deeper into the world.  Every morning Jbird will stand up in the bed, or in front of the mirror and expresses with joy  "Look how much I've grown"  "Look how tall I've gotten"  "Look how big my belly is today."  And yes.  It's true.  It is apparent.  I can see the cells divide and multiply at this very moment. 

Comments

[brettdl]

For a second I thought your post was going to be about number 3! Cells dividing and all.

Just so you know, it does get easier. A fog lifts and the kids are doing things on their own and suddenly you're like, "when did they start making their own breakfasts?"

[Melissa N.]

It passes quickly, and try to remember that it's just a season. I have a 13yo, 10yo and 1yo. I was in the easy stage of motherhood... no diaperbags, nursings, remember cheerios in a cup before setting foot outside the house. Now I'm doing it all over again, and it's passing again so quickly. It gets easier, hang in there ;o)

[granola_girl]

Thank you for writing this. It is just what I needed to here. I too feel that way. Being a stay at home mom for me is just as challenging and rewarding at the same time. I am grateful for your words as they are just what I wanted to communicate but couldn't find the right words.

[Tava/Yarnmama]

I feel the same way. Thank you so much for saying this and for admitting to the yelling. I look to your blog and others for inspiration but I always feel like I am falling short at home. It's nice to hear that others falter at times and that others feel like life sometimes pulls them all apart. Our kids are amazing aren't they!

[Shelley]

This is so nice to read. I think you are right about it being a thing to recognize and share, but we don't necessarily need to judge it. That we have times like this in life - neither good or bad and we aren't sure what emotion really fits. I felt like this last year when my little one was about one year old and I just wasn't as enthusiastic about being a SAHM, but on the other hand I loved it deeply and perfectly and of course got to keep being with him to witness those moments of astounding growth.

[anna]

Yes indeed. I feels the ups and downs, joys and sorrows, frustrations and releases, about 1000 times a day! It is moment to moment, and often different feelings all at the same time!
I find being a mama has been the greatest teaching in so many ways - the constant let go, and surrender.
many hugs. xoxo

[Lori]

really loving your blog :^)

[Heidi]

What a heartfelt and honest entry. I relate to your words and appreciate that you haven't sugar coated any detail. Lovely.

[Ella]

KAte. so happy to read this post. i always find the best reminders and confirmations and connections here. xo

[Catherine Forest]

Kate, I am moved to tears by your post. This is so beautiful, so authentic and so, so true. I feel exactly like this in this moment of my life and it feels so very good, so comforting to know that I am not alone. Thank you for reaching out a hand of compassion. I feel less alone today.

[Angie]

I read this post a while ago when we were traveling & I have been looking for it ever since. I remembered 'bird nest' but had trouble finding your blog again.

Tonight I found it. Thank you for this lovely post, it encapsulates so much of what I feel at times.

I have now bookmarked your blog so I can come & read your words again when I need to.