Bird Nest

Becoming the Warmth

"We have gleaned our strength from the largesse and warmth of summer.  Now as the year wanes, our souls expand.  We are becoming the warmth of the summer for the autumn of Earth."  Patsy Scala

This year I am following Rudolf Steiner's Calendar of the Soul.  I've selected Patsy Scala's edition, with translations from Christopher Bamford.  She has followed each weekly verse with a reflection and intention, and I can't say enough about how much much depth her words bring to each week's verse.  I also like this edition for it's artwork, but the Scala's reflections are incredible and add so much to the experience.

I'm not an anthroposophist, although I read and take inspiration from it as we follow Waldorf education for our family.  Most often I consider myself a "mystic atheist" and yet I am finding such incredible strength and inspiration from Steiner's weekly verses.  Rudolf Steiner wrote these verses as a meditative tool to follow and find connections in the changing seasons of the year.  It is guiding my days at home with the children, not exactly homeschooling (yet), but more an intentional "heart-warming" effort.  Here is a taste;

"Penetrating to the depths of my being,

A yearning filled with prescience

Incites me, beholding myself, to find myself

As the gift of the summer Sun that,

Like a seed, heating up in this autumn mood,

Lives as my soul's powerful impulse."

-Steiner

The Autumn Winds Blow Open The Gate

The autumn winds have been blowing and blustering about as I find myself super charged to organize and redesign our living space, declutter and purge.  Our upstairs that goes empty most of the days has been restructured as the new craft and homeschool space.  It's still not a space that is infused with life, but I think it's a bit more inviting and certainly more pleasing to one obsessed with organizing craft and sewing supplies and yarn, too much yarn.

 

(The pictures above are of the unfinished school/play space, just outside on stair landing is a craft cabinet and tall chest of drawers filled with supplies.  We lazured the walls with stockmar paint and glazing material.  It's beautiful in the sunlight...)

This week we are finishing up by purging through the worn and torn summer clothes and bringing out our cold weather gear and all the woolens.  You would not believe how excited the boys are to pull out the woolens.

We celebrate the beginning of autumn with Michaelmas in our house.  Many songs and stories, and this year we sanded and beeswaxed the knight swords, dyed silk capes with calendula petals (and secretly a bit of stockmar paint to deepen the color!) and we honored the day by baking a harvest bread which included a story about St. Michael and the dragon and harvest.  This might be my favorite season, welcoming fall, preparing for the season.  Turning inwards, stashing away bits of sunlight and warmth and searching for the light within as the world around us grows darker.

 

 

Weaving at Home

Last week I left my little birds in a waldorf kindergarten room and gathered with the other mamas upstairs for the Shining Star Waldorf Homeschooling Conference.  It was a full week of presentations and discussions, with many hands on activities to support homeschooling, specifically inspired by waldorf education.  We worked in main lesson books, took notes on temperaments, block planning, festivals, storytelling and more.  We sang, played games, used bean bags and balance beams, clapping games and circles.  We worked directly on weaving, wet on wet watercolor, form drawing and coloring, playing the pentatonic flute.  We connected on parenting issues, homeschooling journeys, tasks and rhythms.  So much was packed into the daylight hours.  It was a delightfully full week and the warmth generated between the mothers and teachers has left much inspiration in my heart. 

My children of course were both excited and overstimulated by the full days down in the kindergarten room, with so many children and so much noise.  There was the silliest bit of conflict with the children held together in such a large group away from home, while we soaked in as much as we could, as quick as we could upstairs, before gathering up our baskets to head home.  Home.  And it looks as if home is where we will be staying.

I've always planned to homeschool at some point I was just never sure when.  I'm fairly passionate about homeschooling in many forms (including unschooling.)  And yet, I really love love loved the waldorf farmschool that Jbird attended last year.  We were considering going back for kindergarten, but for now all arrows are pointing towards staying home.   After realizing how much sweeter our days were without being framed by the drop off and pick up at school, it feels like the right decision to keep Jbird at home.  Waldorf Kindergarten doesn't require any specific curriculum or planning, but there are structures and rhythms I'm hoping to build into place to support the future grades.  For now, it feels like the right direction and I feel lucky that I have so many options nearby if we change steps.

As I expected, things have come together.  Rooster is back at work full time and all the pieces are falling into place.  The weather is already feeling a bit "fall-ish" and I can sense a season of strength and courage coming towards us.

The Wheels Fell Off

Time slows and and then speeds up.  Rarely do I catch my breath before we go round and round again.  Two birds can keep you on your toes, and they certainly keep you from attending to any blog updates you may have in mind...

We've been shifting gears and trying to rebuild our rhythm at home.  Newest addition to our twist of daily fates is that our Jbird has decided he no longer wants to go to school.  Yes, that school.  The chance of a lifetime, outdoor waldorf, perfect in so many ways school.  I am still mourning.  I'm missing those 3 mornings of brief freedom, of easy naps for Sparrow, of the community I found in the drop offs and pick ups with other parents, and so many things.  I'm shocked at how quickly the change altered my own personal social web.

He was battling drop offs for weeks.  He kept saying he wanted to stay with me (and Sparrow.)  It was so hard to work through, as he never wanted to leave the school when I picked him up, and he seemed quite happy and content when there.  But it never got better.  The more we tried to entice him to go, the more he resisted (isn't it always the case.)  In the end, I decided to listen to my heart - and his fairly clear statements - and we are now home.  I have been fairly content and excited with the idea of homeschooling and now I see it may very well be the road we take.  I'm still holding hope for trying again next year in the outdoor kindergarten program.

In the end, I think there are many things that were going on.  Jbird was never able to clearly communicate any specific issue.  But beyond attachment issues, I think that the rhythm just fell apart when our lives changed over the holidays.  There was an excruciating winter break, and then Rooster was home full time, and any small sense of rhythm we had seemed to crumble.  And now I'm trying to rebuild it.  We've always been very good with the basics of mealtimes and bedtimes - but daily activities have been sporadic and unstable.  Rooster and I took to tag-teaming when he was home, and well, that hasn't always been a recipe for success in our home.

From a waldorf perspective, I could sing the praises of rhythm all day long - and yet, I realized that in action, we weren't really taking it seriously.  So now, I'm building it up, defining the days.  Oatmeal Day, Soup Day, Market Day, Wash the Sheets Day, etc. etc.  It's just that some days (most?) I'm just trying to breathe.  I'm just trying to keep the peace.  I'm just shooting for "Let's Not Yell All Day" Day.  But I aspire to more.  And it's what I'm focusing on for now.

The other bird?  Sparrow? well, besides having a serious hair chop, he's just adorable.  Grunting and pointing and emoting all day long.  Doing every single thing his older brother does when able.  Oh, and losing his own blankie by stuffing it in a saucepan and not "telling" us.  We spent two days looking until we went to use this pan. 

More Mud, Still Fine

Oh that banner photo up above is so old.  Has it really been that long since I've updated, that long since I've posted on the blog?  How did I fall so far behind?  That littlest bird placing his head in the oven has outgrown that shirt, has hair dropping to his shoulders, now walks more than he crawls...and still, my feet are dragging.  It is January and I'll try not to apologize much beyond that.  (the photo also makes me seriously miss our chairs, which were stashed in the basement when mr. sparrow decided he could not resist climbing on them and I still can't trust his balance.  ah, babyproofing by furniture removal - soon we will have none and our tiny house will be bare but the running birds flapping about.)

 

Rooster is back from interviews, and to be honest, yet again I feel that we are so incredibly blessed and lucky.  I don't see this turning out bad at all.  In fact, seems this might just be a short paid vacation and all will be back in place soon.  And yet, I also feel that even if not, even if we were to remain topsy-turvy, all would also be as it should be and "okay".  Maybe I'm just running overly optimistic and hopeful from the recent inauguration, or the sun that has been shining these past few days, or the coffee.

At Jbird's outdoor waldorf school, the large roof that covered the outdoor kitchen came tumbling down during the holiday snowpocalypse that hit Portland.  It was and still looks pretty devastating, to see the shingles and posts in piles next to the cob ovens.  The parents were concerned about the loss of protection, the shield from the elements.  And yet the children came back gleeful and trusting and immediately took to the change.  And now they huddle in a new space, in the trees, on a hill, with snack table exposed and nestled in the forest.  They are fine.  They come home a bit muddier, a bit wetter, but still blushing with joy.  This is as it should be.  We should all be so trusting and open to change.

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween. 

Rooster wore ears - Donkey perhaps?  Sparrow also had felt ears sewn on a hat, adorable little creature he was, perhaps a bunny or baby donkey?  Jbird also wanted ears of course, so I quickly knit on additional ears to his hat as we drove to the Halloween party.  Jbird was a One Man Band/Washboard Player.  He has seen these at farmers markets and came up with the idea all on his own.  Oh and I was an autumn witch. 

We went to a Halloween festival at the farm (where our outdoor waldorf school meets) and it was magical.  The children were taken on a tour through the farm with special characters dressed up, telling stories about nature and the forest and giving out small gifts.  Instead of traditional candy loot they were given crystals, honey, feathers, wool, pinecones and herbs.   I'm guessing that the one we'll hear most about over the next few days was a visit inside Bernhard's teepee.  Bernhard lives on the farm in a teepee and the children were invited in to sit next to the fire and there was a bit of a drum circle.  I could only peak inside, but it was fairly incredible from what I could see.  The children were entranced.   After the tour, we tromped back in the dark to the tables to have soup and potluck.

When we got home Jbird insisted we do a quick run of "trick or treating" on our street, which was sweet and short.  He still didn't quite get the concept of trick or treating, but he did remember the Sugar Fairy.  When I reminded him that we could leave the basket of candy out for the Sugar Fairy like last year, he was thrilled to take part in the exchange.   The next morning he found gnome dolls, toothbrush, and fairy dust which now has been tracked all over our floors.

First Day

After a bit of wet feet, Jbird finished his first two days of preschool this week in smiles and fits of laughter.  We are pleased that it's gone so swimmingly, especially after many protests at mommies not staying at the school during day, and wanting to stay at home.  The first morning, I told Jbird that I would go on a walk in the forest next to the farm, that I would be there and that calmed him and allowed him to let go.  And in fact, I did stay for the first hour, hiking in the forest with a fellow mom/best friend and we could hear the children laughing, we were so close.  Of course, I didn't stay in the forest all day, but that was enough.  This photo was taken when I picked him up after lunch, walking up the long drive to our car.  It was magical and sweet to capture his smiling face.  Jbird is not that into reporting back about his day, so I don't know all the details, but I do know they picked apples, collected eggs, fed the chickens and goats, played in the forest, carved wood, made fairy houses, stories, song and much more.  It's not rainy or wet yet, but he came back dirty and that's a good sign!

Kindergarten In The Forest

We toured the Mother Earth Kindergarten site today, and now I'm flush with excitement and torturous decisions about next year.  We still have not decided if we will keep Jbird at home, or have him attend the traditional Waldorf Kindergarten/Nursery at our neighborhood Waldorf School, or if we will enroll him in 3 half days at the "outside kindy" program modeled after Nokken where children are completely immersed in nature.  I had plans to hold off on this special outdoor experience until the following year - but after seeing the site, I admit I'm chomping at the bit. 

The children are outside most of the day, every day - regardless of weather.  There are, of course, shelters and fires to keep warm, as well as many, many wool and waterproof layers.  But the point is that the children are immersed in nature.  What a solution to this Nature Deficit Disorder!  There are chickens, goats, gardens, 7 acre farm and all surrounded by forest.  Of course, I'd be more completely sold if Sparrow and I were allowed to attend the program as well - alas, we would be shooed off before the feeding of the chickens everyday.  I guess we could spend the half day walking in the neighboring state park trails, but that might get tired.

We shall see.  Hot apple porridge warmed on the fire, story time under trees, shelter in yurt, kindergarten in a forest, it's just feels so right.  And what a gift to give a child.  The memory of an outdoor kindergarten?

Things We Say

The Wall.  I know I've hit it when it's the last night of solo-parenting (rooster is out of town) and the dinner/pre-bed routine is falling to bitter pieces and I find myself yelling the following out of sheer mama-exasperation:
"Stop Doing That!!! Stop!  I don't want to eat dinner with the smoke fairies.  I want to eat dinner with the fire fairies!...."
(as jbird blows out the candle just after I've lit it for dinner...)

Do you ever just listen to the words that fall out of your mouth and wonder what in the world you are doing? 

Boys

First of all, I NEVER, never imagined I would be mother to a boy, let alone boys.  Sometimes at night, when I'm sandwiched in the bed with all 3 of my boys, I realize how outnumbered I am.  I realize that soon, I'll probably be hiding away in a closet, crying into my fabric and yarn stash, just to avoid being bathed in the testosterone that will be washing through my house.  In fact, our house might just be too small for all these boys!  I'm already thinking how I need to get rid of our coffee table and basically move furniture out to make room for active boys.  I'm thinking full house obstacle courses (inside and out).  I'm thinking how we need more covered patio space so I can send the boys out during any weather.  I'm thinking how to channel the energy that might overwhelm me.  (I'm not a very energetic person, I'll admit.)

I just spent the early part of the week at a conference at our waldorf school on Boys.  The State Of Boys, in our society, in education, in our home and hearts.  No answers.  Just lots of discussion, and kind, sincere looks from all of the moms in the room as we try to relax into the idea of holding space for our boys.  Holding space for them to be "Boys" and finding ways for them to become men.   It's hard to find safe places for boys to be boys.  To be active in that way that boys are.  So often we find ourselves inside, apologizing for "boy behavior" and trying so hard to keep the explosion from exploding. 

For now, I'm in awe of these boys I have wriggling under my wings.  Sometimes dumbfounded that these are my boys.  But mostly just thankful that these boys have chosen me to be their mom.  That I might find something to offer them from deep within.  Something that they need.  And oh my god, some day they will be men, and fathers maybe.  Oh, the weight.