Bird Nest

Falling Through My Fingers

These days.  They keep sliding past, sifting through my hands, and I am barely able to notice them as they fall away.  It's been so hard to keep up with the present moment.  With both of us tag-teaming at home, it's been hard to even know what day it is.  Often I go half the day thinking it's another day then it actually is.  Maybe it doesn't matter.  Washing Day, Sweeping Day, Window Day.  The random shuffle button has been pushed and it's on repeat.

Mostly it's rosy.  Sunny.  Sweet white strawberries from the garden that taste of pineapple.  But I can also see old man depression hiding behind every leaf, behind the trees in the back, blowing through the wind.  I occasionally feel that twinge of fear creeping into my throat.  Thank goodness for the distraction of the little birdies.  Sparrow and Jbird can keep me dancing for hours, just long enough to miss the shadows lurking about.

Our Jbird turned five.  Here is a manic way too early morning photo - where jbird digs into his candy cake before the sun has even settled into the sky.  Yes, I decided five was an acceptable age to introduce a birthday cake covered in candy.  for breakfast.  why not?

 

And here is baby Sparrow.  Jbird dresses him up all the time to play knight, pirate, dragon, elves, etc.  Sparrow now enjoys digging into the dress up basket on his own.  When it's quiet, I will sneak into the children's room and find this going on:

I'm so forever behind.  It's been so hot hot hot.  My words have just melted away.  Perhaps next month I'll get around to sweeping up the melty mess.  I see structure and rhythm and normal days gathering ahead like a storm.

A Decade

I couldn't find a recent picture of Rooster and I - so the felted bunnies from Easter will have to do as a placeholder.  Cuter perhaps.
Today marks our tenth wedding anniversary and I'm speechless.  Fascinated that we have been on this ship for so long and that the waters have been so smooth and peaceful.  I can only hope that the next few decades are as wonderful as the first one.  I feel so blessed by the family we have created together.
I love you my Rooster Mr. Bunny.
xoxo

The Wheels Fell Off

Time slows and and then speeds up.  Rarely do I catch my breath before we go round and round again.  Two birds can keep you on your toes, and they certainly keep you from attending to any blog updates you may have in mind...

We've been shifting gears and trying to rebuild our rhythm at home.  Newest addition to our twist of daily fates is that our Jbird has decided he no longer wants to go to school.  Yes, that school.  The chance of a lifetime, outdoor waldorf, perfect in so many ways school.  I am still mourning.  I'm missing those 3 mornings of brief freedom, of easy naps for Sparrow, of the community I found in the drop offs and pick ups with other parents, and so many things.  I'm shocked at how quickly the change altered my own personal social web.

He was battling drop offs for weeks.  He kept saying he wanted to stay with me (and Sparrow.)  It was so hard to work through, as he never wanted to leave the school when I picked him up, and he seemed quite happy and content when there.  But it never got better.  The more we tried to entice him to go, the more he resisted (isn't it always the case.)  In the end, I decided to listen to my heart - and his fairly clear statements - and we are now home.  I have been fairly content and excited with the idea of homeschooling and now I see it may very well be the road we take.  I'm still holding hope for trying again next year in the outdoor kindergarten program.

In the end, I think there are many things that were going on.  Jbird was never able to clearly communicate any specific issue.  But beyond attachment issues, I think that the rhythm just fell apart when our lives changed over the holidays.  There was an excruciating winter break, and then Rooster was home full time, and any small sense of rhythm we had seemed to crumble.  And now I'm trying to rebuild it.  We've always been very good with the basics of mealtimes and bedtimes - but daily activities have been sporadic and unstable.  Rooster and I took to tag-teaming when he was home, and well, that hasn't always been a recipe for success in our home.

From a waldorf perspective, I could sing the praises of rhythm all day long - and yet, I realized that in action, we weren't really taking it seriously.  So now, I'm building it up, defining the days.  Oatmeal Day, Soup Day, Market Day, Wash the Sheets Day, etc. etc.  It's just that some days (most?) I'm just trying to breathe.  I'm just trying to keep the peace.  I'm just shooting for "Let's Not Yell All Day" Day.  But I aspire to more.  And it's what I'm focusing on for now.

The other bird?  Sparrow? well, besides having a serious hair chop, he's just adorable.  Grunting and pointing and emoting all day long.  Doing every single thing his older brother does when able.  Oh, and losing his own blankie by stuffing it in a saucepan and not "telling" us.  We spent two days looking until we went to use this pan. 

We'll Be Wearing Striped Pajamas When She Comes...

Ah.  Uhm... Did we just sleep through February?  Did time just melt away into the soggy, wet earth? 

We've been on our toes, waiting.  And waiting.  Waiting for call backs from job interviews.  Waiting for jobs to open up.  And more waiting.  But hallelujah, we might not be waiting too much longer based on a call Rooster got today.  Until we have a contract or paycheck, I'm just going to keep on waiting though.  She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes...

Meanwhile we had valentine's day, and my birthday and so many other days in between my last visit here to Birdnest.  I had 10 inches of hair lopped off.  The spring breezes are hitting my neck.  Jbird and I talk of Spring as if it's already been sprung.  We chatter like young squirrels.  The flowers and leaf buds are coming in.  The sun is coming back around.  The birds are out.  My little birds are growing like weeds.  Our garden needs mulch and weeding and new seeds.  I need to get going on new projects.  New knitting.  New quilting.  And a new banner for goodness sakes.

There were dark days.  My father had a stroke a few weeks back.  For a bit I thought I had lost him, or at least lost the chance to ever talk to him again (he couldn't talk or write at first.)  But he's on the mend, and re-learning and remembering and seems mostly back to himself.  Just another countless blessing to add to the heaping pile we have uncovered as of late.  My heart goes out to people who have experienced this loss.  It was such a relief to talk to him on the phone again.  

So, we are sweeping out the cobwebs.  Cracking open the earth.  Watching for green sprouts of joy and newness to come forth.

More Mud, Still Fine

Oh that banner photo up above is so old.  Has it really been that long since I've updated, that long since I've posted on the blog?  How did I fall so far behind?  That littlest bird placing his head in the oven has outgrown that shirt, has hair dropping to his shoulders, now walks more than he crawls...and still, my feet are dragging.  It is January and I'll try not to apologize much beyond that.  (the photo also makes me seriously miss our chairs, which were stashed in the basement when mr. sparrow decided he could not resist climbing on them and I still can't trust his balance.  ah, babyproofing by furniture removal - soon we will have none and our tiny house will be bare but the running birds flapping about.)

 

Rooster is back from interviews, and to be honest, yet again I feel that we are so incredibly blessed and lucky.  I don't see this turning out bad at all.  In fact, seems this might just be a short paid vacation and all will be back in place soon.  And yet, I also feel that even if not, even if we were to remain topsy-turvy, all would also be as it should be and "okay".  Maybe I'm just running overly optimistic and hopeful from the recent inauguration, or the sun that has been shining these past few days, or the coffee.

At Jbird's outdoor waldorf school, the large roof that covered the outdoor kitchen came tumbling down during the holiday snowpocalypse that hit Portland.  It was and still looks pretty devastating, to see the shingles and posts in piles next to the cob ovens.  The parents were concerned about the loss of protection, the shield from the elements.  And yet the children came back gleeful and trusting and immediately took to the change.  And now they huddle in a new space, in the trees, on a hill, with snack table exposed and nestled in the forest.  They are fine.  They come home a bit muddier, a bit wetter, but still blushing with joy.  This is as it should be.  We should all be so trusting and open to change.

It Just Happened

There are a few heavy dark fears that hang over my shoulders.  I fret and worry and often it's hard for me to trust in the Universe and there are a few things that always peer from the dark corners.  One of these things just came to us last week.  Rooster's job was eliminated and he was laid off quite unexpectedly.  It's even more unbelievable if you know Rooster.  He's not the kind you lay off.  

For so many years when we both worked at our last company, we watched the company manage the bottom line by lay-offs.  So many layoffs, it was just a way of life.  And we escaped all of them.  Even when I was leaving my job, begging for a package, I just could not get laid off no matter how hard I tried.  And when we transitioned to Portland, to Rooster's new job, we knew we were signing up for similar golden handcuffs, a kinder and gentler version, but still. 

And so I was wasting time at the library with the boys, waiting to pick Rooster up from work and I got that phone call I hoped I would never get.  It just happened.  It's still a bit stingy to remember how that felt hearing those words and my sweet husband having to break the news.

But there are many opportunities ahead.  And for now, it just feels like an early and extended version of the holiday time he was planning to take off.  We will be counting our ducks and beans, timing out how long we can float through before the effort becomes strained.  I think we'll land on our feet pretty quickly and we have ever so soft a landing, we are fortunate.  Rooster has many leads, many leads, and we have ever so many kind friends. 

Unexpectedly, facing this fear, head on, has been almost relieving.  I want to say that we needed to face this challenge, that we were beyond blessed and lucky for far too long.  And we are still lucky and blessed - we keep finding good things we have stored away, like all the little nuts the squirrels pack away for winter.  I feel so fortunate every time I turn around and find one more of those little nuts that I must have put aside without thinking, preparing for winter.  I'm surprised at how positive we have both felt facing this strange turn of events.   Here's to hoping that the light of these holiday candles stays lit and restores the warmth and light in the new year.

Happy Halloween

Happy Halloween. 

Rooster wore ears - Donkey perhaps?  Sparrow also had felt ears sewn on a hat, adorable little creature he was, perhaps a bunny or baby donkey?  Jbird also wanted ears of course, so I quickly knit on additional ears to his hat as we drove to the Halloween party.  Jbird was a One Man Band/Washboard Player.  He has seen these at farmers markets and came up with the idea all on his own.  Oh and I was an autumn witch. 

We went to a Halloween festival at the farm (where our outdoor waldorf school meets) and it was magical.  The children were taken on a tour through the farm with special characters dressed up, telling stories about nature and the forest and giving out small gifts.  Instead of traditional candy loot they were given crystals, honey, feathers, wool, pinecones and herbs.   I'm guessing that the one we'll hear most about over the next few days was a visit inside Bernhard's teepee.  Bernhard lives on the farm in a teepee and the children were invited in to sit next to the fire and there was a bit of a drum circle.  I could only peak inside, but it was fairly incredible from what I could see.  The children were entranced.   After the tour, we tromped back in the dark to the tables to have soup and potluck.

When we got home Jbird insisted we do a quick run of "trick or treating" on our street, which was sweet and short.  He still didn't quite get the concept of trick or treating, but he did remember the Sugar Fairy.  When I reminded him that we could leave the basket of candy out for the Sugar Fairy like last year, he was thrilled to take part in the exchange.   The next morning he found gnome dolls, toothbrush, and fairy dust which now has been tracked all over our floors.

Blown To Bits

Sometimes I fall for the fallacy that just by owning or admiring a book, that it is somehow similar to having read it.  I'm so short for reading time that I often just check it off in my head.  And then you know, these two squawking birds - they sort of keep me from turning pages.

So, I have a few books that I've had, admired, even recommended to others and yet I haven't had the time to finish slogging through them.  And then there are some that I am so familiar with that I just forget that I haven't actually done the work of reading them.  When I do find the time to read, I turn the pages in total disbelief that I haven't read it sooner.  There are a few books recently that have so altered my viewpoints and leave me wondering how I managed to exist without having read them. 

I joke to Rooster that these books have "blown my mind".  That cliche really makes me giggle these days - blown my mind.  But seriously.  They have.  My mind feels a bit blown to pieces when I read some of these books. 

Recently finishing The Continuum Concept (Jean Liedloff) and thinking, why have I not read this before?  How did I have two children and not know this work?  How did I know/follow general attachment parenting views and somehow miss this key book?

And here are two others that recently shifted my world.  What about you - what books have stopped you in your tracks? (I know, I'm pretty stuck in the child development section at the virtual bookstore - but you know, that's where I am these days.)

Teach Your Own (John Holt)
Hold On To Your Kids (Gordon Neufeld)

Sliding Into Summer

After a dreamy trip to Seattle we are back and sliding into the Summer season.  Today we joined our neighbors and friends for Sunday Parkways - a six mile loop of closed streets for biking (and walking in our case.)  It was so sweet to hit the streets and watch as crowds of bikers and walkers took over the roads.  The loop passed through multiple parks with events and music.  Most sweet was watching old and young out on bikes, and of course all of the super awesome family bike setups.  I've been so inspired by these and can't wait for our sparrow to be a bit older for me to feel safe strapping him aboard.

Sparrow and I awoke from a nap to find Rooster and Jbird setting up for dinner on the patio.  I am so thrilled to get back into the swing of patio dining.  We felt a bit rusty figuring out the chairs, the set up, but it was so worth it to eat outside and enjoy the fresh air.  I'd love to have it all be a quicker set up, perhaps something Jbird could handle on his own - so we would be more likely to eat out there every meal.  I recall so many fond meals when I lived in Belgium on foreign exchange as a teenager, my host family always setting up the summer meals outside, even breakfast.  So many things I'd like to "move closer to."  I hope it's the summer we fall into new patterns, new rhythms, new rituals.

 

Daddy

Watching Rooster navigate fatherhood is one of the most rewarding and inspiring gifts this family has brought to me.  I admire and adore him with all of my heart, and now I get to love him even deeper as he cares for our babies and partners with me in this crazy nest.  I am so deeply thankful that my boys have him to watch over them, to nourish them, to inspire them as they grow.

Happy Father's Day!